


A Little More Numb

by romanticalgirl



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-11 22:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 4/12/01</p>
    </blockquote>





	A Little More Numb

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 4/12/01

Pacey stormed backstage, fury wracking every bone of his body. Hed made the mistake in believing in Dawson, and worse, believing in himself.

Hadnt he learned anything in the past fifteen years? Hadnt life beaten the lesson into his brain yet? Hell, hadnt the events of the past six months beaten that into him 

But instead of learning anything, hed rushed into this. So sure hed had a chance, so determined to win. 

Instead, he was in a fucking closet with vaselined teeth and the horrible sensation that he, Pacey J. Witter, was once again exactly what everyone thought he was. 

A laughingstock. A screw-up. 

Pacey. 

He stared into the mirror, wondering why it was that when he looked at himself he actually saw potential, saw possibility, when all anyone else could fathom was disappointment. He wondered if hed ever be numb to it. Hed like to be numb. 

He buried his face in his hands, hoping that, if he couldnt see his eyes, he could be somewhere else. Someone else. 

Singing On My Own from _Les Miserables_ , Miss Josephine Potter. 

The music started and he gots up, moving to the door as he listened to the soft strains of the piano drifting back from the stage. 

_Own my own_  
Pretending he's beside me  
All alone  
I walk with him till morning  
Without him  
I feel his arms around me  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And he has found me 

In the rain the pavement shines like silver  
All the lights are misty in the river  
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight  
And all I see is him and me forever and forever 

It killed him inside as he opened the door and entered the hallway. Her voice was shaky and he could hear the emotion in it. He wondered how he ever thought it could be anything else, any other way. 

He kept walking, heading for the curtain. Pulling it back, he just stared at her. 

God, shes beautiful. 

His eyes drifted past her, watching Dawson watch her. 

See her. 

_And I know it's only in my mind_  
That I'm talking to myself and not to him  
And although I know that he is blind  
Still I say, there's a way for us 

I love him  
But when the night is over  
He is gone  
The river's just a river  
Without him  
The world around me changes  
The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers 

It shouldnt bother him so much that its such a lost cause. She was a passing fancy, just a momentary distraction. 

He just cant understand why the longing looks shes casting in the direction of their mutual best friend hurt so much. Why the words get under his skin just a little. 

_I love him_  
But every day I'm learning  
All my life  
I've only been pretending  
Without me  
His world would go on turning  
A world that's full of happiness  
That I have never known 

Its typical though. Typical of him, of his life. Typical of him not to have a chance in hell. 

_I love him_  
I love him  
I love him  
But only on my own 

Joey is in love with Dawson. Dawson was very obviously rapidly falling in love with Joey. And he was losing the one good thing in his life. 

He made his way back to his closet, the anger rising up again. The injustice of it all. The complete and utter un-fucking-fairness of it all. 

Grabbing his magic trick paraphernalia, he stared at himself. Tuxedo on, vaselined teeth, and new eyes, completely devoid of any hope whatsoever. 

Dawson came in then and he asked him all the questions that he already knew the answers to, saw the look in Dawsons eyes before the words ever left his mouth. He brushed past his best friend without another thought and went in search of what he needed. 

They wanted him to be the biggest joke in Capeside, hed be happy to oblige them. He ripped off his tuxedo shirt. Dawson and Joey were on their way to consummating their destiny and he had nothing left to lose. Staring at himself in the mirror, his fingers buried in blue paint hed found in the storage closet, he grinned. 

Damn, self-hatred was a wonderful thing.


End file.
